Tuesday, October 18, 2016

tired.

dear girl.

yes ma'am, that means you. oh, and you, too. and your sister and her friend and her brother's wife, too. this is just some thoughts i've been gathering lately in my mind and i felt like it was time to get those darn things on paper. errr. on the internet?

anyways. being a girl is hard. i'm not one to ever play the poor, pitiful girl card because being a girl is awesome. it's fun. it's exciting. 

BUT. IT. IS. HARD.

i've never been filtered while writing on this blog space. and that has always been my heart--to be unfiltered. whether you think i'm messy or brave or shy or dumb, i've wanted to be unfiltered. you know why? because it's hard to be vulnerable. and being vulnerable means talking about the messy parts of life that you probably never want to talk about with anyone but your own mind or best friend or mama. i get that, too. i try to keep as much as possible to myself because i honestly don't think that many souls are that interested in what i had for dinner. let's be real, you know it was tacos. 

but, back to the subject of this blog. girls. it's hard to be one. it's hard to go through life comparing every single aspect of who you are to every other girl on planet earth. (disclaimer: not saying dudes don't go through this, but i'm not a dude, so...) I wake up every single day and scroll through social media and my time lines are filled with gorgeous women. i walk past tons of girls in person who are beautiful every day. and i instantly compare. 

"her hair is longer" "she is skinnier" "she has better teeth" "she's just BETTER"

i mean, rightful so, yeah? i can always lose more weight, have better clothes, have better hair, etc. 

but these are all worldly standards. these are physical things that cause me to stumble every day. i was having a rough day just today with some things someone i've never met said about me. i was in tears asking God why i couldn't be more like this girl or that girl. and as clear as i've ever heard God, i heard him say 'well, i made you just the way i wanted to. you're enough. you're brave. you're beautiful. you're kind. you're worthy. i didn't put any of those standards on you. you put them on you. the world did, the devil did but i didn't. so please, stop fighting me and listen to what i think of you."

and then i cried some more because, you know, i'm a girl.

i've written posts about mean spirited girls before. since this blog, i regularly receive hate mail. i have people who take the time to sit at a computer and type me messages that i pray no one ever receives. they tell me how ugly i am, how this man will never love me, how i'll never make it in Nashville, how much of a disappointment i am, etc. those messages had stopped for a while--and obviously i was happy about that. but then, in the past few months since moving back from Egypt it's like the negative emails have returned with a vengeance. it's worn me down. it's not ok to do that to a girl. it's not fair to put any more pressure on a soul than they already have. it's not ok to tell a girl to kill herself. it's NOT OK. 

so, maybe i can be a voice of hope and reason for others going through that. i am not playing the victim card. there will always be people who are not fans of me as a person--and that is ok. but i can honestly say that i have never, NEVER intentionally sought someone out to cut them down and be mean. that has never been my intentional or my purpose in life. so, if you've ever felt that way by me--i apologize.

i build this image or personality or whatever of never being broken or hurt or sad. and i mean, 100% of the time, i am happy. i know my identity in Christ. i know he loves me. i know that everything is part of a bigger plan. but girls, i am so worn out of fighting back to prove to people that i'm good enough. that i'm simply enough. it's like i sit up and wait for a comment or a text or a message from people that says i love you, good job, you did it. in reality, a man died on a cross for me (and you, and everyone in the whole whole world) over 2000 years ago. His arms were stretched out as far as they could possibly reach. he was screaming he loved me. why isn't that enough? why isn't it?

it is. it so is. please, if you don't know that, figure it out. pray. ask Jesus to show you. he will. he craves your attention. and he's screaming that he loves you. 

i'm given too much time and miles and feelings to people who will simply never give that much back. and it made me resentful for a while. this person isn't giving as much as me. this person isn't putting in as much time as me, etc. you know what though? how many times do we think that and Jesus is thinking the same thing? 'i died for her and she still questions her purpose.' 'i answer her prayers and i never hear thank you.' 'i showed her true love and all she does is return to empty lust'

stop running back to the same man that broke your heart and just left. stop trying to fix him. stop giving yourself to someone who isn't who God has for you. stop crying over someone who didn't realize you are full of purpose and beauty.

stop caring about what car you drive. stop caring about what sorority you're in or what lunch table you're at. stop caring if you're eyebrows are on fleek or if your highlighter is just right. stop trying to be the regina george of life.

be kind. be humble and polite and gracious and understanding and listening and comforting.

you have something in you that other girls need. your story is a part of your testimony and God gave you that story to change other peoples stories--for the better. 

thank ya Jesus for not leaving me where you find me. and thank you for meeting me every time.

ladies, it's my mission to be the nice girl on another level. girls rock. you do. you rock. if you are going through a tough time, please message me, text me, email me, something--i would LOVE to pray for you. i would be honored too. i'm not good at a lot of things but by golly i can pray.

ps- Jesus is obsessed with you


k.























3 comments :

  1. Hi katelyn my name is Christi. You have always been someone on social media that I have wanted to be more like but thank you for encouraging me to want to be myself and being happy about it. I think you're an amazing person in so many different ways and that's from just what you've allowed us to see. I don't know you personally but I can only imagine how you must be the best friend, sister, daughter, and child of God that anyone could ask for. I'm going through a pretty rough time in my life right now so thank you for writing this. For me, I couldn't have read it at a better time. I was brought to tears by your words (actually still crying as I write this) I would love it if you would say a prayer for me. Thank you katelyn. Never stop being you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry you have experienced so much negativity. Praying that the positivity outweighs the negative and you are surrounded with encouragement and love. If there is something specific I can pray for YOU please let me know.
    Right now I am waiting to hear if I got an interview for a job that I really want and I would so appreciate your prayers that I will be offered an interview and that I will be successful and secure the job.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are a lovely young lady with a beautiful soul. A kind heart and smile that is contagious. God blessed you with ridiculously gorgeous hair (that I am really jealous of.) You keep being you! God Bless.

    ReplyDelete