Enter the code in the door.
Have a seat in the lobby.
Your appointment is 5:00.
A Wednesday afternoon.
Sunny outside.
Essential oils going off in the lobby.
Sound machines everywhere so you didn’t overhear another "session" going on.
If you’ve been to therapy and/or counseling, the above referenced is probably burned in your mind. But, me, at a Christian counselors office? How did I end up here?
Right? I’m figuring out life. I’m making huge strides to be the healthiest version of Kate. I’ve religiously worked out and made lifestyle changes this year that I should be proud of. I don’t snort cocaine off the bathroom counter and I’ve never once in my life been drunk. I can have fun and be fun without all the nonsense. So, what landed me a seat in her office?
A guy.
That’s right. Or maybe the correct answer is actually guy(s). Forty five minutes has never gone by so fast in my entire life. I was barely able to get the entire story out before her timer went off.
She simply nodded a few times. Two or three "gasps" and one "bless your heart" later and my 25 copay was due. She stumbled to find a concluding thought, I know that she did. A 29 year old good, southern Baptist girl from sweet home Alabama finally cracked. And it was all because of a guy.
Let me tell you something. This year has been hell. I mean that in every literal sense of the word. It’s been hell fighting to get healthy. It’s been hell figuring out a place at work. It’s been hell fighting to feel enough. It was to hell and back 14 times over watching my mama FIGHT for two months to get back on her feet. It’s been hell what I’ve allowed myself to think is okay. And you know what, my own little heart is pounding at this very moment. The sound of my heartbeat is louder than the noise on broadway under my balcony as I type this. It’s been hell, but you know why my heart is pounding?
It’s because I’m finally fighting back. I’m taking the reigns. I’ve got a few burn marks on my back from the flames and the ends of my coat still might have a few sparks but I’m fighting.
Have you ever heard the saying "it’s okay to not be okay." Well, if you haven’t, now you have. It’s totally ok to stand up and ask for help. It’s okay to fight. It’s even okay to fall down but it sure as hell isn’t okay to stay down.
So, whether 1 person reads this or 10,000 doesn’t make a difference. I went to therapy because I allowed a guy to manipulate and use and lie and get away with all the above for too long. I became anxious and bitter and resistant because I told myself that was okay to accept. I told myself he wanted to keep things quiet because he wanted to protect me. That’s a lie, girls. If he wants to keep you a secret, it’s only because you’re not the only one. And, man, that’s a HARD pill to swallow. I spent an entire year working on myself, physically. I took 3 steps back emotionally when this guy came into my life. I’m not saying all of this to shame him or the other guys who treated me this why. I am saying it to hold myself more accountable. I’m worth more than a 11:30 "come pick me up" phone call, and so are you. I’m worth more than being someone’s "dirty little secret," and so are you. I was bought with the blood of Jesus Christ and that makes me someone special, and it makes you special, too.
I’ve become so attached to social media recently. My insecurities went through the roof when the guy troubles started. I am so, so tired of being attached to my phone. I will literally get nervous if I’m not holding my phone. That’s sad. It’s actually pathetic. All social media is is a snapshot of someone’s life, and no one posts the outtakes. I read a study that said "approximately 15 minutes and up to 10 versions of one photo is considered before being posted on social media." That is sad. That is because we are insecure.
2018 was hard. I grew a whole lot. I made very positive changes. I decided to talk more about my problems. I cannot be the only late 20’s female with raging self esteem issues. Add on guy issues and a serious social media addiction and shoot, I feel like that’s more than50% of Davidson county. Even if it’s not, though. Even if I am the only one, I am okay with that.
I am committing to a healthier mentality. I am committing to a healthier relationship with my self. I am committed to getting closer to Jesus, getting stronger and learning to love myself more in 2019. I honestly am not even waiting until 2019. My resolutions start today, December 26, 2018.
This may mean that I’m not as available as I was before but that means I’m putting myself first. That may mean more nights on my bedroom floor praying for breakthrough instead of tacos. It’s probably going to mean way more bubble baths with a hardback book instead of Pinterest. It’s going to probably feel much more lonely while my soul gets ready for the next relationship or the next best thing for Kate. But, for once, my heart is calm. My hands aren’t sweaty. I do not have one ounce of concern of who will read and/or what they will say. I might still have some sparks flying behind me, but I’m still standing.
And that’s all you need to do for now, too, just stand.
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